In 1982 Paul Wright sought to describe the essential difference between male and female same-sex friendships; girls “face to face” while boys more “side by side”.
Our intern, Becca Purton, writes this week…
As young people explore their social surroundings and grapple with their identity, building relationships with their peers can be challenging. Whilst positive relationships in school can provide support and joy during a time full of change and uncertainty, negative relationships- or simply a lack of them, can be detrimental to academic success and the general wellbeing of a young person.
Differing Levels of Intra-Gender Relationships
Relational Schools has been conducting research on student to student relationships for several years, and certain patterns have emerged which have remained consistent across schools and countries. This is that intra-gender relationships, as we measure them, between girls are much better (around 10-12% on average) than those relationships between boys. This is true of students from the youngest to the highest years of secondary school. Percentages are based on the answers given by students filling in questionnaires about their peers, where statements are given and a student indicates how strongly they agree, using a numerical scale from 1 to 6. These percentages suggest that girls (73%) generally have fairly robust positive relationships with each other, and boys moderately so (63%).
However, results have also consistently indicated that inter-gender relationships between boys and girls are significantly lower than within genders (32%). Whilst the results for intra-relationships between boys are definitely lower than between girls, the percentage for inter-relationships between boys and girls is worryingly low in comparison to both. Results have been particularly low for girls commenting on their relationships with boys, which would seem to suggest that girls perceive a greater distance; the issues, to their mind, are more accute.
But why is it that boys’ relationships are not as strong as girls’? And what are the causes behind the significantly lower inter-gender relationship scores?
Why do boys struggle to make positive relationships in school?
Adolescence is a time when girls and boys are going through huge mental and physical changes, as well as dealing with academic and social pressures. But why is it that relationships between boys are lower (62%) than those between girls (73%), and that relationships between boys and girls are only 32%?
Academic research tells us that female students are more likely to have relationships which are dyadic, their peer group much smaller and the friendships within them will be more intense. Fascinatingly, the foundations of the stronger relationships are found principally in their communication skills, particularly the ability of girls to self-disclose and share deeper, more personal information about each other. Studies have found that girls have positive expectations about sharing their problems with others, such as expecting to feel cared for[1]. Many have found, conversely that male relationships are often characterised by competition, hierarchy, dominance and independence. It doesn’t lead to close friendship. Guys think they know each other well. But the truth is they often don’t and the difficulty is that as we grow older we need to know each other well – we need to have a group of people around us who we would call close friends.
Despite 46% of boys believing that communication is the most important factor in a (dating) relationship[2], there is a serious lack of this in friendships and non-dating relationships, with girls and other boys.
Research has shown that boys find it harder to build deep meaningful relationships with both male and female peers, particularly struggling with trust and vulnerability. A recent report by our sister organisation, the Family Stability Network, found that 55% of men aged 16-19 are scared of being laughed at for telling friends how they feel[3]. The reason young men may feel unable to share their feelings and insecurities is because not showing emotion can be a stereotypical masculine expectation. This societal attitude is unhelpful as it often prevents men (of all ages) from opening up about struggles and seeking support when they need it.
The current education system, in some contexts, fails to use our innate capacity to relate. In fact it regularly promotes individualism at the cost of these connected relationships. But actually we’ve found that those with strong positive relationships tend to do better academically, as well as having improved health and wellbeing, than those who have weaker relationships with peers.
What people know of relationships and gender has largely been confined to a wider narrative of “dating” relationships. Indeed, when conducting this research, a common response from students was, “why would I even want to think about this – it’s not as though I want to “go out” with her.” A student voice perspective such as this is significant; both student and academic perceptions of gendered relationships in school fail to adequately respond to the distinction between connected relationships and those that are in some way sexualised. Furthermore it fails to respond to the reality of how we measure the quality of a relationship: it is not understood by how much you like someone but the degree to which you know them. That is not to say that young people cannot see the distinction, merely that there is a reticence, perhaps, to recognise the benefits of more platonic friendship. We should be interested in cross-gender friendships for their own sake because they support the development of many key relational skills such as altruism or empathy and communication skills such as negotiation.
For young people, trying to navigate the social world can be difficult. Relationships require communication, perseverance and understanding. During this time of rapid change in teenagers’ lives where they are trying to discover and understand their own identity, being able to articulate and empathise with others can be challenging, particularly for boys. But despite the obstacles to this, the benefits which can be gained by all are extremely rewarding, including academic achievements and general wellbeing. This is why it is important that we strive to help boys especially to improve their relationships with each other, and with their female peers, so that they don’t miss out.
[1] Rose, A. et al, 2012. How Girls and Boys Expect Disclosure About Problems Will Make Them Feel: Implications for Friendships. Child Development, [online]. 83 (3), 844-863. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com.ezphost.dur.ac.uk/doi/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2012.01734.x/abstract;jsessionid=442C3263652DD017243AF0A634D37A40.f03t03 [Accessed 12.07.17]
[2] Fastn (2017). Love, Lust and Loneliness. City: Publisher, p.26.
[3] Fastn (2017). Love, Lust and Loneliness. City: Publisher, p.4.
This is really helpful – excellent article, thank-you
Hello becca, very interesting article! I wonder to what extent perhaps the gender gap in this case may also be partially explained by the fact that the questionnaires are self-reporting, i.e. boys may actually have strong relationships but are less likely to be effusive about it, in general, compared to girls. i’d like to find out a lot more about Paul wright says about the difference between boys and girls in friendships, not to mention the degree to which this varies from culture to culture. As we know, different cultures have been categorised as ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’, with your article implying that the Education system in Britain seems to foster the latter. Perhaps it is also a reflection of wider society.